This Just in: Yahoo! Games Article Proves Smoking Crack is Wrong

I don't disagree with the general principle of promoting new family games for the sake of bonding and disconnecting from the electric fun boxes. But if a website--let's say...Yahoo!...for example--were to publish and promote a list of "Ten Games Every Family Should Own," that was conceived after some obvious crack smoking, followed by bashing their skulls into a concrete wall over and over again, then that's just plain wrong.

Let's take a look at the "Ten Games Every Family Should Own" and dissect their selections while smoke slowly pours out of my ears and my soul dies just a little. Just a little.

1. Qwirkle
Okay, they're not starting out terribly here. Yes, it's a Spiel des Jahres winner. This year's winner, in fact. And I've enjoyed games of Qwirkle here and there. But is it in my top ten games for a fun Saturday night? Top one hundred? No. Is this really the best way to start out the list? Fine, Yahoo!, I'll give you a pass on Qwirkle since it's probably so accessible to the masses. But you're on probation. Double secret probation.

2. Carcassonne
Here's Yahoo!'s prob- ....wait, what? Did Yahoo! actually just recommend my beloved favorite game? For reals? Okay, they've won some respect. I'm proud that their game editors have even heard of Carcassonne, let alone esteem it. Nice work Yahoo! I'm almost not embarrassed to be reading something from your site.

3. Lego Star Wars: The Complete Saga.
Sigh. Sighhhhhh. [Exhale] Really? Really? I mean, fuckin' really? Yahoo!....a video game? A cross-promotional video game that's hawking toys and a tired movie plot? Fine. Let's just move on.

4. The Magic Labyrinth
Okay, I can breathe again. True, I know almost nothing about The Magic Labyrinth, as I have not yet embraced children's games. But at least it has a respectable BGG page, right? Good. Breathe. Okay.

5. Scrabble (iPad)
Here come the headaches and spots in the vision again. I love Scrabble. We have a love thang goin' on. But  what the eff is up with the iPad version? I think I'm going to have to carry an old-fashioned lady's glove so I can properly slap with offense the next time someone mentions how "cool" iPads are. (Just go with me here for a second, even if you like them.) They're just oversized iPhones, people! They're way too pricey in a sour economy, and people who buy them talk about them WAY too much. And clearly, that includes the crack-smoking editor who put together this list. For the iPad? Really? What's the point? Just get out the Scrabble board and wooden tiles. Save some electricity. Save your souls!

6. You Don't Know Jack
It's okay, I've got a paper bag now that I'm huffing into. But through the crumpling sound of brown kraft paper, you should be able to decipher me yelling what the crap? This game was hot and amusing back in 1998 when I first got to college. And even then, as their target audience, we were so over the game inside of three wee-....Oh. I see. An iPhone app just came out a few months ago for this game. Hey, kiddies, let's all huddle around an iPhone for family fun night. I'm not sure what makes me angrier, the fact that I'm wasting time and anger on this article, or that the dickish editors probably got free Apple products for writing this list.

7. Cranium
I'm so glad we're back to actual board games that I've almost gone numb to the fact that this is a terrible game. I mean, really terrible. What few qualities it does have are pale copies of what other games have done better. It's shit. There. I said it. Families: Do not buy this. You're welcome.

8. Go
Okay, now they're just messing with us. I play Go now and then with my brother-in-law. Can I tell you, it's brilliant? It is. It's been around for thousands of years, and is requires a mastery of strategy, planning, and the highest intellect to play adequately. Mastery takes years of study, and usually many books, challenges, leagues, etc. In fact, they have a whole ko rating system for how proficient you are. Here, Junior, while you're at it, could you please master fencing, read The Seven Kingdoms, and do....something else that's really hard and takes years to perfect? Why would Yahoo! think every family should own that game? Does Yahoo! know who American families are? I'll give you a hint, the smaller miniature people are called kids, and they don't want to play Go.

9. Blokus
Better. Better. Again, maybe not my top ten for a family fun night, but I'm just so relieved it's not made by Apple that I'm willing to give a thumbs up.

10. Settlers of Catan
Finally. The one game that actually really should be on that list. With all due affection to Carcassonne, Settlers really is the number one game families should be trying out. And best of all, to the best of my knowledge, there isn't currently an app for it.

In case you're still reading and interested, here's how I would've stacked up my list of ten games every family should own. They're not the greatest games of all-time, necessarily, but they're ones that every family should try together at least once. And never, ever, on an Apple product.

(in no particular order)
1. Settlers of Catan
2. Apples to Apples
3. Ticket to Ride
4. Scrabble
5. Boggle
6. Bohnanza
7. Bang!
8. Carcassonne
9. Zooloretto
10. The Climbers

Creepiest Kids Board Game Ever? Voodoo

Don't make fun, but I like to go antiquing. Not only is it like stepping back in time, but you can find some really amazing pieces of home decor, clothing, and even board games. Plus (bonus!) most antique dealers don't know the value of board games whatsoever. Most would probably charge more for a Dukes of Hazard game than they would for a copy of Big Boggle. Suckers. So you can either make big, fat cash for games you find, or you can pick up some playable treasures on the cheap. Win-win.

But on Friday, at an antique store in Livonia, the Greatest Husband in the World found a board game treasure worth more than mere currency. It HAS to be the reigning champion for the creepiest damn kids game ever made. Seriously.

Gamers, meet Voodoo. The game where you poke pins into a voodoo doll until you anger the witch doctor and he comes after you.

The game was published in 1967, at the height of American cultural sensitivity and an era of compassionate nurturing of our youth. </sarcasm> Now there are a couple of things that really strike me as both terrifying and delightful about this game:

1. The marketing. It's really marketed heavily to kids, in that the box actually reads "Voodoo Doll Game for boys and girls". See? They even print it on the plastic game board. As if the clarification was really needed.

2. The box art. This had to give a lot of kids nightmares. The cartoon voodoo doll on the cover--the one with the fangs, black finger nails, red eyes (and a lovely pearl necklace)--is compelling you to stab her with large pins. And those have to be the BIGGEST, scariest damn pins I've ever seen, since they're apparently as big as a bongo drum or a small witch doctor.

Side note: Does anyone else remember Halloween III: Season of the Witch when that company tries to sell Halloween masks that will hypnotize and then murder all the little kids in the world on Halloween? I keep getting that feeling about this game. I played it once today, and now tomorrow morning I'm worried I'm going to wake up and find my husband punctured with dozens of knitting needles in the bed beside me. My hands will be covered in blood, but I won't remember what happened. It's all black.

3. They set you up to scare the living crap out of your playmates. During game set-up, you have to activate the mechanism that makes the witch doctor pop out of his hut by secretly placing tiny metal pins into the holes of the doll device (helloooooo, choking hazards!). Each opponent takes turns doing this in secret, away from the prying eyes of her friends. Then blammo, you're responsible for giving the other little kiddies a heart attack when they punch your landmine.

4. The witch doctor makes me shit my pants. Okay, not really. But close. Too close. So you play this game by taking a bunch of plastic pins and poking them into the plastic molding of a voo doo doll girl (the one with the fangs). If you poke her in the wrong place (dirty!), the witch doctor comes popping out of his hut (presumably to eat your vital organs, starting with your eyeballs). And that witch doctor is SCARY. He comes flying out with such a large POP! that I jump every time.

Then again, I'm the person whose nerves are too tender to play Operation. So maybe don't take my word for it.

So why did I buy this game? Well, first, it was only $5.00. The box is there, and the mechanism still functions perfectly. But also, how cool is it that this game was made to frighten children in such a gruesome way? They NEVER would make this game today. The whole premise is to get kids good and creeped out, force them to play voodoo priestess, poke a doll with play needles, and then POP! Surprise, you lose. It's a horror movie experience, all wrapped up in a clever simple little board game. Wicked awesome in a box.

I've already played it enough times to make myself giggle, and to chase my husband around with the box lid yelling that it's going to eat him. So I'll be putting this for sale over at BGG, in case anyone's interested in a little piece of frightening Americana. I highly recommend it for a dark and stormy night!

Converting the Next Generation of Gamers: Mission Accomplished

Or: Heyyy Kiddies....I've Gotta Surprise for Yoooou

My neighbor's kids were off school today for Christmas break, and their confused mom asked me to check in on them a few times, since I'm at home all day. Poor things. So what does "Auntie Katie" suggest when the 13 y/o girl and 7 y/o boy come over to my house bored? Board games anybody? I was over at their house last weekend to teach the whole family how to play Clue (poor family didn't even know), and they loved it. This time, they needed something Clue-like for two players, so I showed them my glorious Board Game Closet of Glory and Doom and loaded them up with Clue: The Great Museum Caper. Sure, I think the game's a snore and an unworthy addition to the Clue family, but they might like it on a boring winter day, right?

RIGHT! They loved it. They loved it so much, I had to give it to them to keep. Plus their mother spent most of the day on eBay looking for a cheap copy of regular Clue. Awesome. And, you know what just tugs at a gamer's heart? Hearing that this little 7 y/o boy asked later that night, "Mommy, can I have a board game collection?" Sniffle. Another gamer is born.

Hasbro Goes Euro with Hex-Based U-Build: Monopoly

I opened up my coupon fliers this morning to see that Monopoly has decided to rip off take a page from the Settlers of Catan folks, and has issued a line of games that involves building your own game board using hex tiles. Could this mean that Euro games are finally starting to make a dent in Hasbro? Well we can see that games like Settlers have at least caught Hasbro's attention.

Here's what it looks like (and yes, I will likely be using my $4 off coupon from this week's Sunday circular to pick up a copy of my own): The Monopoly properties, which have been renamed for this "U-Build" version, are now positioned on plastic-framed hexes that connect to form a board path. The game also comes with plastic 3-D stadiums, parks, and skyscrapers that can be built on the hexes. Word is that otherwise the game is very similar to the original.

It's not just Monopoly that got a U-Build makeover though, there's also a U-Build: Connect 4, U-Build: Battleship, and U-Build: Mousetrap. These opt for slightly different variations. U-Build: Connect Four, for example, uses children's building construction set bits to create a pinball-like course for the checkers to drop down through. Think of it as if Connect Four and Erector Set got together and decided to play Plinko from The Price is Right. Mousetrap and Battleship are a bit less exciting. Mousetrap actually has bricks (read: Legos) to customize board obstacles, but Battleship just lets you slightly customize your boats with "U-Build bricks" (again, Legos).


My Impressions:

I'll admit that normally I'm very pessimistic about any Hasbro games, since I think that they cater to the lowest common denominator of the stupidest people on the planet. Sure, I love Clue and even a bit of Monopoly now and then, but that's mainly because they were created and developed back when board games were still for adults (Parker Brothers knew what it was doing). Since Hasbro has come along and kiddy-fied their entire board game market (just look at their modern silly childlike logo), it's hard to respect any of their games. They've moved to the cheapest possible components, and have dumbed down even the classics (did Monopoly really need an electronic banking version? If you can't add $200 + $500, then you don't get to play Monopoly!)

And it looks like their giant idiot stick has smacked these games once again. Although I applaud delving into the Euro waters with some hex play, the giant plastic frames around the hexes with attachment tabs and slots make it look like its Duplo Monopoly for toddlers 2-3 years old.

At least U-Build: Monopoly has reasonable cover art going on though. Take a look at some of the cover art for the other U-Build titles. Yikes. Bad paintings of kids having waaaay too much fun playing games. It's cheesy, cheap, and a little demeaning. I've never understood the marketing principle that board games need to show people enjoying them. To me, it's like a laugh track on a sitcom. Give us some decent cover art and let us decide if it's fun and worth raising our arms in the air!

Poor U-Build: Battleship looks like it got the worst makeover of all. I haven't kept current on Battleship editions, but this incarnation looks the cheapest and like it's trying the hardest to ruin the game. Do people really need a cardboard pretend command center? I hate that they've moved the attack board to a separate side board.

And, by the way, I think it's quite unfortunate that this line of games chose to go with the text message-friendly "U-Build" name. It's just another sign that their games shouldn't be taken seriously. It's too bad the average American has no idea what a hexagon is, or they could've called it Hex Monopoly and made me happy.

With all that said though, I will post pictures once my Build-Your-Own Monopoly set is up and running in all its hex glory.

Wendy's Kids Meals: Now With Board Games!

Did I need one more reason to love Wendy's? I guess those junior back cheeseburgers (word to the JBCs!), scrumptious chicken apple salads, frosties, and healthy kids meals weren't enough, eh? Now they have to make me fall in love with them all over again by including...you guessed it...BOARD GAMES in their kids meals.

I'm so proud I think I'm tearing up.

So it looks like, for the time-being, Wendy's is working with Patch games to release a series of little games in every little baggy of chicken nuggets, chocolate milk, and orange slices. What's really impressive though, isn't just that there is a game instead of a useless toy inside, but the production value seems pretty high. These games come in well-made mini cardboard boxes with lift-off lids, just like the real deal big boys. And inside each box is a series of cards and a red decoder strip to read scrambled trivia answers. The games being offered are Know It or Blow It, Perfect Sense, Buzzword Junior, Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?, and Now What?.

True, none of these itty bitty games are Settlers of Catan...but I really appreciate that kids are getting their hands on games, lifting the dainty little box lids, and experiencing the fun of interacting with friends and family...and then soundly trouncing them and feeling like little gods of victory.

And if I must, I will do my part to support board game appreciation through this land, even if it means eating JBCs every day for the next month!