This Just in: Yahoo! Games Article Proves Smoking Crack is Wrong

I don't disagree with the general principle of promoting new family games for the sake of bonding and disconnecting from the electric fun boxes. But if a website--let's say...Yahoo!...for example--were to publish and promote a list of "Ten Games Every Family Should Own," that was conceived after some obvious crack smoking, followed by bashing their skulls into a concrete wall over and over again, then that's just plain wrong.

Let's take a look at the "Ten Games Every Family Should Own" and dissect their selections while smoke slowly pours out of my ears and my soul dies just a little. Just a little.

1. Qwirkle
Okay, they're not starting out terribly here. Yes, it's a Spiel des Jahres winner. This year's winner, in fact. And I've enjoyed games of Qwirkle here and there. But is it in my top ten games for a fun Saturday night? Top one hundred? No. Is this really the best way to start out the list? Fine, Yahoo!, I'll give you a pass on Qwirkle since it's probably so accessible to the masses. But you're on probation. Double secret probation.

2. Carcassonne
Here's Yahoo!'s prob- ....wait, what? Did Yahoo! actually just recommend my beloved favorite game? For reals? Okay, they've won some respect. I'm proud that their game editors have even heard of Carcassonne, let alone esteem it. Nice work Yahoo! I'm almost not embarrassed to be reading something from your site.

3. Lego Star Wars: The Complete Saga.
Sigh. Sighhhhhh. [Exhale] Really? Really? I mean, fuckin' really? Yahoo!....a video game? A cross-promotional video game that's hawking toys and a tired movie plot? Fine. Let's just move on.

4. The Magic Labyrinth
Okay, I can breathe again. True, I know almost nothing about The Magic Labyrinth, as I have not yet embraced children's games. But at least it has a respectable BGG page, right? Good. Breathe. Okay.

5. Scrabble (iPad)
Here come the headaches and spots in the vision again. I love Scrabble. We have a love thang goin' on. But  what the eff is up with the iPad version? I think I'm going to have to carry an old-fashioned lady's glove so I can properly slap with offense the next time someone mentions how "cool" iPads are. (Just go with me here for a second, even if you like them.) They're just oversized iPhones, people! They're way too pricey in a sour economy, and people who buy them talk about them WAY too much. And clearly, that includes the crack-smoking editor who put together this list. For the iPad? Really? What's the point? Just get out the Scrabble board and wooden tiles. Save some electricity. Save your souls!

6. You Don't Know Jack
It's okay, I've got a paper bag now that I'm huffing into. But through the crumpling sound of brown kraft paper, you should be able to decipher me yelling what the crap? This game was hot and amusing back in 1998 when I first got to college. And even then, as their target audience, we were so over the game inside of three wee-....Oh. I see. An iPhone app just came out a few months ago for this game. Hey, kiddies, let's all huddle around an iPhone for family fun night. I'm not sure what makes me angrier, the fact that I'm wasting time and anger on this article, or that the dickish editors probably got free Apple products for writing this list.

7. Cranium
I'm so glad we're back to actual board games that I've almost gone numb to the fact that this is a terrible game. I mean, really terrible. What few qualities it does have are pale copies of what other games have done better. It's shit. There. I said it. Families: Do not buy this. You're welcome.

8. Go
Okay, now they're just messing with us. I play Go now and then with my brother-in-law. Can I tell you, it's brilliant? It is. It's been around for thousands of years, and is requires a mastery of strategy, planning, and the highest intellect to play adequately. Mastery takes years of study, and usually many books, challenges, leagues, etc. In fact, they have a whole ko rating system for how proficient you are. Here, Junior, while you're at it, could you please master fencing, read The Seven Kingdoms, and do....something else that's really hard and takes years to perfect? Why would Yahoo! think every family should own that game? Does Yahoo! know who American families are? I'll give you a hint, the smaller miniature people are called kids, and they don't want to play Go.

9. Blokus
Better. Better. Again, maybe not my top ten for a family fun night, but I'm just so relieved it's not made by Apple that I'm willing to give a thumbs up.

10. Settlers of Catan
Finally. The one game that actually really should be on that list. With all due affection to Carcassonne, Settlers really is the number one game families should be trying out. And best of all, to the best of my knowledge, there isn't currently an app for it.

In case you're still reading and interested, here's how I would've stacked up my list of ten games every family should own. They're not the greatest games of all-time, necessarily, but they're ones that every family should try together at least once. And never, ever, on an Apple product.

(in no particular order)
1. Settlers of Catan
2. Apples to Apples
3. Ticket to Ride
4. Scrabble
5. Boggle
6. Bohnanza
7. Bang!
8. Carcassonne
9. Zooloretto
10. The Climbers